Love is like an ocean.

Sometimes you dip your toes in, slowly getting used to the feeling. 

Sometimes you dive headfirst, basking in the exhilaration.

There are times when the fear of what’s unknown keeps you standing at the shore, 

But there is freedom to be found in enjoying the sunshine and the sand-

While admiring the water from afar.

Even if you don’t fear the depths, and think you know just what to expect, 

The water may still surprise you yet.
Where there’s beauty in her white caps, there’s also a force unlike any other.
And as practiced as you are at 

Riding the Wave

You can still get dragged under.

So when you come back to shore,
Choking on saltwater tears and gasping for breath, 

It only makes sense that the fear of drowning keeps you from going back for more. 

Yes, love is like an ocean. With hidden dangers and changing tides.

Sometimes the joy is worth the risk.
Sometimes you barely make it out alive.

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If feelings define my reality, the goal is not to feel “happy” all the time.

I consider the goal a breath of relief, satisfaction that sits comfortably in my chest- 

Telling me that I did my best, I am loved, and living that day was worth it.
The weightlessness of the “good” days makes the gravity of the “bad” more bearable.
Not every moment has to be painted shades of sadness or joy, the satisfaction is found in the beauty of blending all the colors together. Swirls of light and dark, despair and hope, and every breath of relief in between.

At a time in my life when I was searching for something that makes it all worth it, you wanted to show me someone cared. It’s easy to care at arm’s length, but it’s tricky to tell the moment one gets too close. When caring turns to expectation- a word I’ve learned to hate.

If you care too much you get invested, and an investment means one expects a return.

Now every moment that used to be a breath of relief becomes pressure to perform.

When balance shifts and people get hurt, good intentions leave me with a bad feeling…

But the moment I saw a glimpse of someone genuine and sweet I wanted more of that in my life. Even with an anchor, I’ve become exhausted from all the time spent treading water.

I forget how wonderful the waves can feel when I spend so much time fighting the current.

I wanted to feel that joy again, I didn’t want to lose a moment of genuine connection.

So now, I force myself to let the waves take me under- to feel the pain of the undertow, learning to love the burning of my lungs as they ache for that idealized breath of relief. Foxhole prayers and blind hope convince me that the waters will calm, that the struggle is worth it.

Yet here I am with this nagging fear that I might just be drowning. 

And I’m not sure if I’m more angry at the ocean for her volatile truth,

Or myself for believing I was comfortable with exchanging pain for pleasure. 

I needed time to breathe it in completely, to let the water fill my lungs and risk choking on my mistakes before letting the fear consume me. Grace, patience, and tolerance became valued above all else. I would rather kill myself on kindness than feel righteous in my anger.

So how do I say thank you for the moments I saw the sunshine glistening on a calm sea?

How do I say that I love you for your stillness and your storms?

That I’m not ready to go back in the water, but I could enjoy standing together on the shore?